This is my Story
Ever since my father left our family at four years old, I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect.
Trying to be heard
Trying to be seen.
“If I were just a little better, they would finally love me”.
I felt unworthy and that I had nothing to give. My empathy allowed me to know exactly what the others needed and wanted. I internalised that was my job to always adjust to their needs.
As a small child, my body became tired, I suffered chronic disease. All the doctors told my mother that issues were psychological and I just wanted attention - I felt ashamed and guilty. I decided there was something deeply wrong with me.
I was too different, too sensitive, too much. I always felt I was not good enough, compared to who I was supposed to be. These thoughts looped over and over again.
Along the way, I forgot about my own dreams and needs. I went on to study business education, and lived a life that was “good” and “responsible”.
I continued having the same thoughts, same beliefs and repeating the same patterns over 25 years, not knowing that I have the ability to change.
Then everything fell apart
Here I was: Berlin, November 2015. In the room of my doctor, not being able to stop crying.
I was burned out from my 70-hour week fashion management job and had no energy. I was experiencing the worst of my eating disorder.
I had no fucking clue who I was.
The doctor told me: “I am not letting you go back to work till the end of the year and you will start a therapy - now!”
I finished 3 months of therapy, and I decided to quit my job. I knew I couldn’t go back and continue my life in the old way. I was in the uncomfortable and scary gap of letting go of the old and not knowing what my new life going to look like.
I had to take the leap
I decided to go on a quest, to figure out who I am. Just after I finished therapy in May 2016 I made the plan to explore the well-known walking path “Santiago de Compostela” in Spain to find myself.
But life had other plans…
One morning, a few days before I was about to get on my flight to Madrid, I stood up and realized that I COULDN’T WALK.
Every single footstep was so painful and very quickly it became obvious to me that a hike is the last thing I could do.
The pain was so strange and something I couldn’t understand with my mind.
This was the day that I trusted in life and a bigger reason - the first time I had let myself since my childhood.
As I completely surrendered to this, I received the gift of clear knowing!
Suddenly I had this voice in my head, that I immediately have to check Facebook! (I know it sounds ridiculous, but thanks to FB playing a part of my story).
The first post that came up was an advertisement - the opportunity to join two in elderly men on a 17m sailing boat, with a raw food kitchen on the Adrian sea.
The funny thing is - I am afraid of the ocean. I afraid of men, especially to old strangers. I get seasick. And a special diet would be the last thing that I was looking for.
But I trusted my intuition.
The next morning, I woke up, all booked and got ready for this insane trip into the unknown. Crazily enough - the pain was completely gone!
The Journey of a Lifetime
It turned out into nothing that I expected, but everything that I needed.
Not one week, but 3 MONTHS on this little 17m boat sailing on the Adrian sea.
Being with a man on the boat who turned my whole world upside down. Everything that I believed in to be true and everything that I held on to.
The man I was with – turned out to be a shaman. This was the person who would change my life path forever.
As the second man and chef left after two days, the death of the old Aline was about to start. Believe me, this wasn’t a pleasant journey.
He didn’t respond to any of my patterns. Pleasing him or showing up as being weak so he would see and care more about me. No! He pointed it all out.
He forced me to take responsibility for everything I do, think and believe in.
He made me realize how much I blindly just believe in what I have been taught, not really questioning it.
He made me realise how little I actually trusted and believed in myself.
It hurt so much! I cried, I got sick, we fought. On some days, I just hated him.
A whole new world opened up
In spite of this pain, he created space and broke down all the conditioned lenses trough which I perceived life.
He opened up a life for me in which there are no limitations, infinite opportunities and unspeakable beauty.
He taught me to see - not just with my physical eyes, but to really see what is happening in my life, the people around me, the planet and universe.
A whole new world opened for me that I had no idea it would exist. I always dreamed that all the fairy tales that I loved so much were true. A real world of magic - it became my truth!
There he was. This guide and wise person that I never had in my life. Someone who was seeing me behind all the walls I put around me, believing in me and allowing me to dream again.
Life became deeply meaningful!
The experience wasn’t I wanted, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed.
In opening up this new life for myself, this new version of Aline – I finally felt free.
Free to be me.
Free to follow my dreams.
Free to not need to follow the rules.
Free to not know it all and messing up sometimes.
Free to choose the quality of my experiences in any moment.
I became free to trust the universe, and to be guided by my most potent resource and superpower. My intuition!
I came to love my uniqueness and sensitivity, as true gifts and divine parts of myself. I no longer felt the pull to please others. I deeply loved myself and life once again.
After this gift he gave me – I now know that I am here to be this guide for others. I am here to share with others, exactly what I would tell the version of me from before –
“Everything will be ok.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are perfect just as you are.
You can trust yourself and your intuition – that is your superpower.
When you follow your intuition and joy, there will be always moments of fear and resistance. This is how you will grow and heal. It's ok to feel all the fear, but you have the choice of hold back or trust so much and doing it anyway. I promise you, this is where the magic happens.”
I am forever grateful to that old version of me – it is because of her suffering, her shame, her courage to finally face her pain - that my dream magical life now is real!